How do I know if a therapist is a good fit for me?

Something I’ve noticed over years of practice (and also something I have seen supported in research over and over) is that over and above a therapist’s clinical training and qualifications, the letters behind their names, or their careful adherence to evidence-based modalitites, the most important factor that contributes to “successful” therapy, is how the relationship feels. The foundation of ANY good therapy is a relationship of trust and support, and without those two things, there is pretty little chance of seeing any real progress or change. At the same time, JUST feeling warm and fuzzy at the end of a session doesn’t always get results either. Striking that balance can be tricky, but here are a few questions to get you thinking about it:

·       Do I feel heard, understood, and able to bring up difficult topics without feeling judged? Am I performing in session or being myself with my therapist?

A good therapist for you is one who makes you feel HEARD. Feeling as though YOUR emotions and experiences are validated and that your therapist is truly trying to understand you as a person and help you understand yourself better.

·       Am I being challenged here, or placated? Am I noticing growth or forward momentum?

  Confrontation is inherent in therapy; someone who only comforts you and without helping you look at uncomfortable truths is not really doing therapy. There are many therapists out there who will happily take your money just to let you vent or talk you down when you are amped up. While this can feel nice in the moment, no real sustainable change happens, and your need to be in therapy never goes away because there is ALWAYS something to vent about.

Understanding your preference for confrontation style is important here: do you prefer someone to be direct, or is a gentler approach more your style?

·       Do I feel good about how sessions flow and what what we cover in most sessions?

Noticing how you feel about the structure of your sessions is important, too. Sessions can range from super open-ended processing (asking what you’d like to talk about today and flowing from there), to more structured interventions (homework, check-ins, etc), as well as everything in between those two ends of the spectrum. None of these are better than the other, but most people have a preference, as not enough structure can feel too unpredictable for people, but high levels of structure can leave some people feeling a little boxed-in, like there are often things they don’t get to discuss or process in session.

So, if you are in the market for a new therapist and interviewing folks, these can be some good questions to ask to determine if it might be a good therapeutic fit for you. If you are in therapy and it is just feeling a little “off”, maybe working through some of those questions will help you figure out what isn’t working. A good therapist will be open to feedback on these topics, so I encourage you to bring it up in session if you aren’t getting what you want/need out of therapy.

Easing Transition Woes

Transition is a bit of a tricky concept; it sounds so temporary, and it is, but also seems to be a constant in life. As soon as one transition period ends, it seems like another one begins. I find myself coaching myself in saying that transition is temporary, this season won’t be like this forever, something good is on the other side, etc…and I’m starting to realize I’ve been saying that to myself for years. One transition phase seems to string right along into the next. Major transitions have a way of knocking you on your ass; the energy it takes to navigate through those can be exhausting. AND…the promise of something good on the other side of it can be so motivating.

For those committed to self development and growth, it is so important to get comfortable with transition, because she is just not going anywhere. Seeking growth means forward momentum, which isn’t possible without some level of transition.

Maybe you are transitioning jobs. Or your relationship is beginning/ending/changing. Or your family is going through one of the almost constant transitional phases children seem to bring. As a new Mom myself, here are a few things that might help you survive your current transition in one piece:

1 – Notice what is/will be the same despite the transition. Who you are, things you love, people who resonate with you, etc are good places to turn to find those constants. If you are someone who loves to read, and you are moving to a new city…you will still love to read there. If you have a solid group of close friends and you are someone ending a relationship…you will still have those friends.

Sometimes you have to start small, though, when things are changing a lot. Notice how a nice deep breath will make you feel…because it will you make you feel the same even as and after things change around you.

2 – Give yourself permission to grieve the losses, even (maybe especially…) with positive changes. This can feel hard in a culture that forces the concept of gratitude down our throats at every opportunity. I am here to tell you that you can be grateful, and still acknowledge loss as your life changes. For example: We just welcomed our first child into our family; she is healthy, happy, and perfect in every way (at least Mama thinks so…). I couldn’t be anymore thrilled or grateful for her, and I know just how lucky we are to have her. AND, I’m also feeling the loss of my independence, free time, sleep, and an orderly home. I can acknowledge the feelings that come up with that loss, and know that it doesn’t make me any less grateful for my daughter. Humans are complicated beings, allow yourself to stop trying to tidy up your emotions into just one box and transition will feel much easier.

3 – You’ve heard me say it over and over and I will keep saying it: Self-compassion is key here. Transitions are bumpy roads, and the skills I listed above are not easy to master immediately. When you catch yourself being critical, stop, take one breath, and remind yourself that transition is a process and you aren’t supposed to be perfect at it. You’re doing just fine.

I’d love to hear a little more about how you all handle transitions when they come up - leave your go-to’s in the comments!

*Sometimes, all the tips and tricks in the world still leave transition periods feeling totally overwhelming. If you are needing some extra support or counseling, feel free to reach out to get on my schedule.