Ahh…the sneakiest form of anxiety. I, myself, am a recovering perfectionist. And I see it show up for SO many of my clients.
Perfectionism is the constant pursuit of being perfect; along with it comes an incredible amount of pressure to perform, high levels of self-criticism, all sorts of stress and anxiety symptoms, and an overall sense of low self-worth. This level of low self-worth is often masked by high achievement and a confident façade…but underneath is the constant threat of being less than perfect and not earning your worth.
The real kicker is that most people find their perfectionism is praised; they use it to drive high achievements and great levels of success. They present as put-together and capable. They are not usually the friends or family members that we worry about…but they probably should be. It often goes undetected and allows the beliefs to get deeply engrained.
Not sure if you or someone around you might be struggling with perfectionism? Here’s a few things to reflect on:
· Does failing or making a mistake feel like the worst possible outcome most of the time? When you do make a mistake, does it haunt you a little even when everyone else tells you it is no big deal?
· Does your value or worth as a person feel tied to succeeding or achieving? As though your relationships or approval from others depends on it?
· Do you feel pressure to be good, seem put together, or capable of all things?
Working in therapy to help understand and heal these beliefs is one of the best ways to challenge perfectionism. We can uncover the root and work to heal it moving forward.
In the meantime, here are a couple tips for easing perfectionism:
One thing that can be helpful is to work to separate your worth from your achievements. Worth is inherent, not earned. Say that with me: Worth is inherent, not earned. Start with giving yourself grace when you make a mistake, don’t complete your to-do list, or fall short of your expectations in any way (you know – just like you would do for someone else). Your worth as a human is unchanged by any of that.
Engaging in something you don’t expect to be good at, and just allowing yourself to enjoy it and learn from it is a wonderful way to counter some of this. I started taking pottery lessons awhile back; it was such a powerful lesson in letting go of expectations, comparison, and achievement. I was delighted by my small, misshapen pots while I watched other highly skilled potters easily create tall, beautiful vases (in far less time than my little lumpy pots). I actively practiced noticing my own development and enjoyment of the craft rather than comparing my projects to others. It actually felt really liberating to not have to be “good” at something. I highly recommend spending some time doing something you aren’t that good at.