Something I’ve noticed over years of practice (and also something I have seen supported in research over and over) is that over and above a therapist’s clinical training and qualifications, the letters behind their names, or their careful adherence to evidence-based modalitites, the most important factor that contributes to “successful” therapy, is how the relationship feels. The foundation of ANY good therapy is a relationship of trust and support, and without those two things, there is pretty little chance of seeing any real progress or change. At the same time, JUST feeling warm and fuzzy at the end of a session doesn’t always get results either. Striking that balance can be tricky, but here are a few questions to get you thinking about it:
· Do I feel heard, understood, and able to bring up difficult topics without feeling judged? Am I performing in session or being myself with my therapist?
A good therapist for you is one who makes you feel HEARD. Feeling as though YOUR emotions and experiences are validated and that your therapist is truly trying to understand you as a person and help you understand yourself better.
· Am I being challenged here, or placated? Am I noticing growth or forward momentum?
Confrontation is inherent in therapy; someone who only comforts you and without helping you look at uncomfortable truths is not really doing therapy. There are many therapists out there who will happily take your money just to let you vent or talk you down when you are amped up. While this can feel nice in the moment, no real sustainable change happens, and your need to be in therapy never goes away because there is ALWAYS something to vent about.
Understanding your preference for confrontation style is important here: do you prefer someone to be direct, or is a gentler approach more your style?
· Do I feel good about how sessions flow and what what we cover in most sessions?
Noticing how you feel about the structure of your sessions is important, too. Sessions can range from super open-ended processing (asking what you’d like to talk about today and flowing from there), to more structured interventions (homework, check-ins, etc), as well as everything in between those two ends of the spectrum. None of these are better than the other, but most people have a preference, as not enough structure can feel too unpredictable for people, but high levels of structure can leave some people feeling a little boxed-in, like there are often things they don’t get to discuss or process in session.
So, if you are in the market for a new therapist and interviewing folks, these can be some good questions to ask to determine if it might be a good therapeutic fit for you. If you are in therapy and it is just feeling a little “off”, maybe working through some of those questions will help you figure out what isn’t working. A good therapist will be open to feedback on these topics, so I encourage you to bring it up in session if you aren’t getting what you want/need out of therapy.